Is People Pleasing Wearing you Down?

Aug 29

Is it bad to be a people pleaser?

Before you can figure out if it's a good idea to tame your people pleasing tendency, you might first consider whether you actually are a people pleaser or not. While it's not the worst insult that you could receive by any means, people pleaser can have a negative connotation. The general idea is that if someone is calling you a people pleaser, it means that you have tipped the scales of priority towards others rather than yourself.

People pleasers, at worst, can be known to let others walk all over them. While it is generally an admirable quality to want to do nice things for friends, family and others with whom you engage socially, there should be a balance between self and other.

In life, we generally feel happiest when things are in balance. You have probably heard of the expression that you cannot continue to give to others without first filling the cup of your own needs. This definitely applies to people pleasing personalities.

Are you a people pleaser?

See how many of the below questions get a yes response.

It makes me happy to do for others.
I am known for being generous.
I take on more tasks than I can realistically handle because I can't bear to say no.
Most people don't realize what I need because I don't tell them.
It seems like other people aren't willing to give as much as I am, but that is okay.
I feel uncomfortable when attention is on me.
It doesn't feel natural or easy to ask for what I want.
I usually put the other person's needs before my own.
I don't like to make waves or contribute to the discomfort of others.
I will deny my own needs if it means keeping the peace.
I consider myself humble.
I don't have time for self-care.
I am always backlogged with jobs and favors that I told other people I would do for them.
When people do favors for me it feels awkward.
I feel self-conscious when others give me compliments.
I enjoy complimenting people.
I am a hard worker.
I like to stay in the background.
I am okay with not being recognized for my effort.
It's nice when people say thank you, but it's okay if they don't.
I'm happiest knowing that I was able to help in some way.
If someone seems upset I will go out of my way to find out what they need so that they will not be upset anymore.
When I join a new group or enter a new scenario my first question is, how can I help?
When someone tells me they don't need my help I feel useless.
People describe me as helpful.
When people I am close to criticize me, I don't really try to defend myself.
If someone tells me I didn't work hard enough I usually feel bad about it and believe they are right about me.
I judge myself to a higher standard than I judge others.
It is easy for me to forgive other people, but not as easy for me to forgive myself.

If you answered yes to most of the above questions, you are probably a people pleaser. It's okay to want to help and take on a giving role in your relationships. But people pleasers should not feel undeserving of recognition, credit or reciprocated favors and gestures.

Being a people pleaser can feel unsatisfying because there is not enough give and take in your relationships. Working on balance can you feel happier, more satisfied and less anxious overall. Maybe you know that it makes you happy to serve others. It's okay if this brings you joy. Being giving toward others makes them happy which in turn makes us happy.

The fact about people pleasing is that those who have this type of personality may struggle with self-doubt from time to time. People who put others before themselves sometimes find that the gesture is either not reciprocated, or they are taken for granted by important people in their lives.

How to stop being a people pleaser

If you came to this blog article searching for how to stop being a people pleaser, it probably means you feel taken advantage of and you want to change.

You don't have to go to extremes. You can still do what brings you fulfillment, which includes finding ways to serve others. However, some people may neglect themselves in favor of caring for everyone else. If you do this, you may wonder how to get better at prioritizing you.

Many people pleasers do want to know how to get stronger with personal boundaries. This doesn't mean that you must stifle your giving spirit or stop helping people. But maybe it's confusing for you to know when is the right moment to put your foot down when it comes to meeting your own needs above others.

Tame your people pleasing ways by discovering what you need

Becoming less of a people pleaser means that you will have to do the work of discovering your own needs, honoring those needs, and giving yourself permission to take as much as you give.

Just as you have probably made it a priority to be a first responder to other people in both physical and emotional ways, so should you be ready to accept when there comes an opportunity for you to receive from others.

Again, it is okay to be generous with your time and offer favors. In life, we feel more connected in relationships when we can help people and when they can help us. Giving and receiving feels good and satisfying.

In order to really have the full experience of giving and taking in your relationships, people pleasers must get better at the taking part.

To start, focus on your own needs. What do you wish for? What would be of help and support to you? Who can give it? Set aside half an hour or so for some introspection. Take time to attend to your own emotions, wishes and desires.

Consider the following:

If you're having trouble accomplishing all that you want to, who can you call upon for help?

What types of tasks can you outsource to others?

What would you do if you had more time for yourself?

What tasks have you committed yourself to that would be better handled by someone with more skill or experience?

Do you wish for more affection or closeness in your life? How can you make this need known to your loved ones?

Daily mantras for people pleasers to create balance in relationships

Are you a people pleaser by nature? Do you want to get better at accepting gifts from others? Do you need to create balance and build stronger boundaries in your life? Say these mantras to yourself as an effort to be less of a people pleaser, so you can let others reciprocate all of the gifts that you so freely and readily give.

I am worthy of attention, affection and love.
Other people like to give as much as I do. Me accepting their gifts makes them happy and satisfied.
It is okay for others to put me first sometimes.
I am valued for who I am and not what I do.
I deserve gifts, favors, support and help just as much as the next person.
My emotions are just as valid and important as anyone else's.
It is important for me to take care of myself just as well as I take care of everyone else.
People who criticize me for not doing enough are in the wrong.
My giving nature is something to be cherished and appreciated.
I will not allow myself to be manipulated by others who recognize that I am a giver at heart.
Not everyone deserves my generosity.
It is okay to sometimes say no.
My actions tell a story of my priorities and values, but yet they do not define me completely as a person.
If someone does me a favor or gives me a gift, it is enough just to say thank you and appreciate that gesture.
People can like and even love me purely for who I am, without my having to do anything to win that love or appreciation.

If you’re finding yourself stressed, overwhelmed, anxious please feel free to email/call me for a free, no obligation, consultation. Remember, you deserve to have the life you want!

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